so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
