remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
