Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
