I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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