If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Can I color on your dick again?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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