I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
