shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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