he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
