bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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