Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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