I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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