Your dad touched me again.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
