Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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