im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
