The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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