when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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