no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
