New invention idea: vibrating tampons
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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