I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
