So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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