just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
