Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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