I don't usually arrange sex via text message
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
