he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
