haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
