We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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