I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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