Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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