So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I feel like death gave me a hand job
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
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