i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
