All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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