Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
