Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
