Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
