I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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