One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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