Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Sober January is a disaster.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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