i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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