dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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