Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She's like a pop up book from hell.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
