i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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