yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
