he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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