dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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