i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
