Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize