life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize