You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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