I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
