I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
