I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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