need another drink. this is the easiest way
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize