just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
