today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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