It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
