I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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