my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
