Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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