I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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