Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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